4 Steps to Stop your Inner Judge (“should-er”;)
POV: You enjoying your life right where you are <3
“You should be further in your career.”
“You should be making more money.”
“You should be married.”
“You should have a house.”
“If your partner is ‘the one,’ you should feel ‘x’ (x=passionate 24/7, in love 24/7, 1000% sure).”
“You should be having children quicker.”
“Your children should be acting differently.”
Are you familiar with this voice? The voice of our inner “should-er” or judge can be loud. If you ever want to feel anxious, comparing yourself to others while listening to all the “shoulds” that flood your mind should get you very anxious and insecure about your life as it stands. Below I list 4 tips to help you ease the intensity of this voice, while learning to enjoy your life (even if you aren’t where you want to be right now).
Create Compassion
Create compassion and curiosity for this part of you that compares, judges, and “shoulds” you even though this part cultivates anxiety and fear in you. If we zoom out and provide some perspective, we can recognize this is a part of you that believes that if you aren’t “keeping up,” you are experiencing less happiness, joy, pleasure, etc. Or, it feels that if you aren’t in the “norm,” you will re-experience a painful emotion, such as loneliness, isolation, fear, anger, etc. We can appreciate that this part is trying to protect you! It wants and desires more because it feels unsafe and insecure in your current life. The more we can be compassionate and kind to this part for its good intentions, the more we can grow, heal, and allow it to relax.
“Normalcy” is a Myth
Every single person has a unique path and journey. There’s a good argument to be made that “normal” doesn’t exist- in fact, it’s likely the word “normalcy” did not enter the English language until the 1860s. (Per Jonathan Mooney’s book, The Short Bus: A Journey Beyond Normal) . The experience of being compared to what’s “normal” does more harm than good: instead of being celebrated for our differences, we are taught that to experience perfect happiness, we have a very straightforward path to take (i.e., go to school, get married, make a lot of money, have a kid, have another, retire early) when there are millions of paths towards a satisfying life.
Appreciate and be Grateful for the Journey
The reality is this: we may never feel like we have “arrived” to complete happiness. (Is happiness even a satisfying goal?) Would you like to watch a movie where the main character does everything by the book, gets married without issues, and dies at 100? That would be very boring to watch. I’m not suggesting you go out looking for trouble. But we are attracted to stories with tension because they reflect life! We can enjoy those movies because we have suspended some of our IRL feelings of anxiety to be in the excitement of a romantic comedy or be enthralled by the heroine’s journey. The key to being satisfied is simple but effective: Be right where you are. And let’s be honest, you likely are in a headspace, environment, financial place, or relationship NOW that you have dreamed of in the past! Enjoy those achievements, even if they feel small compared to your goals and dreams.
Enjoy the Desire for What You Don’t Have Yet
I frequently hear and experience that we do not long for what we already have. Esther Perel has analyzed this phenomenon in couples and has written books on cultivating desire and longing in a relationship where you already “have” each other. (This article written by Perel explores this concept in the context of “sexlessness” in relationships.) How easy is it to take for granted what we have? So, to oversimplify, part of the solution is to appreciate and have gratitude for what you do have, but also to enjoy the experience of desire. Remember what having a crush in middle or high school was like- the rush of lust and longing was half the fun! It almost didn’t matter if you got with your high school crush. You can work towards having more while enjoying the longing for more (cheeky!). Even if it’s just for a different position in your corporate job- recognizing that once you get it, it won’t fulfill you as you had hoped! See #3 to remember to enjoy this process.
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