Anxiety- When They Don’t Text You Back
In our increasingly virtual world, new “rules” are emerging around when and how to respond to text messages. But nothing is as fraught as when you're dating someone and find yourself on the receiving end of a slow text back. You might send a text with a little joke, feeling electrified with excitement and anticipation, only for that excitement to quickly transform into the telltale signs of anxiety. You start overthinking the text, fixating not just on your conversation but on your relationship as a whole. You might notice self-doubt, feelings of embarrassment, and, of course, our dear friend worry. Those of us with some level of body awareness might notice a restless feeling in our arms and legs, a bit of nausea, and a thumping heart.
You're either met with a rush of relief when they text you back, followed by disappointment because their response wasn’t what you were hoping or expecting.
Why Does This Happen?
It’s completely normal to feel insecure and uncertain when you’re first starting out in a relationship. Anxiety mixed with excitement is pretty much prescribed by the body as you’re exploring the dynamics between yourself and someone you think is really (REALLY) cool and attractive.
If you find that the anxiety lingers, the thoughts aren’t settling down, and your body is getting more and more unsettled because you are in a relationship with someone who happens to be a slow texter, then guess what? You are also normal! There may be a number of things occurring in the relationship and within yourself that contribute to more anxiety.
You May Be Dating Someone with an Avoidant Attachment Style
People with an avoidant attachment style fear being engulfed by someone else, so to avoid this experience, they tend to, well, avoid. They may not appear to be as emotionally open or “available,” and when they get overwhelmed, they withdraw. (For more information on attachment styles, click here).
Building a Healthy Relationship
This may be controversial, but I believe it is possible to develop a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. The key here is that the avoidant partner must be open, communicative, and willing to work on the relationship with you. If they are so avoidant that they are not willing to put any work whatsoever into the relationship, then there’s not much you can do to convince them to be with you.
Here’s an example of how to communicate your needs and feelings in this kind of partnership: “Hey! I’ve really enjoyed our time together. When I don’t hear back from you by the end of the day, it makes me doubt that you want to spend more time together.”
Managing “Shoulds” and Expectations
It’s nearly impossible to NOT have expectations and “shoulds” after growing up inundated with fantasies about relationships from Disney, pornography, and romantic comedies. Sure, having “standards” is something I encourage everyone to have in romantic partnerships. AND, two things can be true at the same time (if you’re a client of mine, you will be sick and tired of me saying that). Sometimes, our expectations to be ALWAYS happy, NEVER triggered, and to have the “perfect” partner are simply not realistic or human (if you’re curious to read more on this, check out my blog posts on relationship anxiety here). At the end of the day, they are not a recipe for a loving and fulfilling relationship where both people love each other despite differences. If you want me to write more in-depth on this issue, leave a comment, and I’ll write an entire blog on just this point.
Feeling Vulnerable and Exposed
This one is pretty cut and dry, but also pretty heart-wrenching. Whenever we start to open our hearts to someone new, parts of us might rebel against it. It might not feel safe to be loved, to be appreciated, and the thought of feeling rejected can be overwhelming.
There’s no direct cure for this one, as these messages and beliefs about love, safety, and vulnerability have likely been informed by our past traumas, relationships, and experiences. But know that this is also very normal, and there’s often a lot of beauty on the other side.
Practical Tips for Dealing with Texting Anxiety
Set Boundaries: Agree on a reasonable timeframe for responses with your partner.
Focus on YOU: Engage in activities you enjoy to keep your mind off waiting for a text.
Communicate Openly: Express your feelings honestly with your partner.
Practice Self-Care: Take care of your mental and physical health to manage anxiety.
Get to the Root with a Therapist: Consider finding a therapist you trust to explore past traumas, manage current anxiety and cultivate self-trust
At the end of the day, dating is hard. Texting is annoying. You are not alone.
Did this resonate with you? Leave a comment or send an email with your biggest takeaway or question!
