Stop “Fixing” Your Partner’s Bad Mood: Self-Sacrifice Isn’t Love

Okay… hitting heavy with that title. Still with me?

Let me know if this sounds familiar to you.

Your partner enters the room, and something feels "off" to you. He seems quiet, his lips pinched, and he shuffles into the kitchen.

Your mind starts spinning- is something wrong? Is he disappointed that I didn't unload the dishwasher? Is he frustrated with his co-worker? Should I have texted him less throughout the day?

Then you leap up and start rubbing his back. Or start putting the dishes away or inquire about his day. When he says that everything is fine or that he's just tired, you feel tight in your chest. You start to press harder, "Are you sure everything is OK? You seem off! Are you mad at me?"

Then you hear a familiar response, "I wasn't annoyed before, but now I am getting a little annoyed by your questions."

I want to share a secret with you and reveal a part of myself to you. When writing this, a part of me whispered, "Katie- why are you writing a blog post on this? This is completely normal behavior. This is what a caring and loving partner looks like!"

And I wonder if you had similar thoughts- this is what loving someone looks like!

Is there space for you to receive some nuance, some "yes…. AND"?

Yes. A loving partnership does include comforting, holding space for negative emotions, and asking questions.

AND.

If the motivation for this behavior is deep, DEEP down, coming from a place of fear of your partner's negative emotions. And deeper, feeling unsafe when your partner is feeling something negative. And deeper, feeling the urge to "fix" your partner's feelings so you can feel safe again, then there is something that is hurting inside of YOU that needs your attention, comfort, and soothing.

If this resonates with you- I want you to slow down for a beat and take a deep breath. I am inviting whatever feelings are coming up for you.

I have described a tool that you likely learned early on in your childhood. "Hey! People seem to like it when I am kind and comforting! They are likelier to be kind to me, and I can finally get some attention or nurturance back!" And if you are a woman reading this, this model for meeting our needs has been ingrained in us for centuries.

In my heart, I feel so much compassion for those of us who think this way. Because although this method works to some degree, we end up in dynamics over and over again where we give more than we receive. We feel burnt out, afraid of being alone, and are willing to put our own needs away to meet the emotional needs of others.

So why doesn't this work?

This doesn't work because we are putting the responsibility for our needs in other people's hands. After all, we are putting the responsibility of their needs onto ourselves.

Woof.

So the result is this- we feel powerless. And we turn to taking care of others as a means to control them and "get" them to meet our needs.

Taking back our power doesn't mean you stop acting kind, gentle, or empathetic to others. But it does mean you start tending to the parts of you that feel afraid. That feels lost. That needs support and love.

Until you can open your heart to yourself (and, I would assert, to your Higher Power/God) and allow love to flow from you, your relationships will not feel nearly as fulfilling.

The path to deeper intimacy and love with your partner is love and intimacy with yourself.

If you feel pulled toward this blog post, I invite you to download a gift- "How to Stop Overthinking" (see below!) or book a free consultation with me to start a conversation about how you can take your power back and begin the healing process.